The fifth week of Lent

The fifth week of Lent

Insight is an organic thing; it can deepen and grow, sometimes when we least expect it. It has been very tough the last couple of weeks to post on my blog. I am tormented because I find such satisfaction reading and listening to what comes, but the listening has been really noisy lately.

I have concluded that it was much easier to get married and move in to my husbands house than it is to deal with my own house! What a metaphor that is! Well, I am trying to deal with my old house now, sorting through 18 years of life and memories…and it is really tough. Such a huge range of emotions. I love my life now but I have moments of deep sadness, remembering all of life that happened in my hundred year old house.

Chelsea was 6, Jordan almost 2 and Kenna not even a thought but I bought this house on my own, thinking my marriage was over…but a few months alone and with a lot of hope, reconciliation happened for a long enough period to bring Kenna (now 14) into this world.   But alas, eventually divorce was the outcome. Lots of pain for all involved and so many wounds, especially for my children.  Some wounds may externally heal but the scars are left forever.  

This house represents a lot of new beginnings and a number of endings—and now I must sort through all those memories (and all the stuff!) and find a place to store some and respectfully let go of others.

I remember picking out the Laura Ashley wallpaper for Chelsea’s room. Now it is painted beige. I remember landscaping the entire yard in perennials and winning awards for the flowers. Now the yard looks like a dying weed patch. I remember bringing Kenna home to her pink nursery decorated with teddy bears. Now the room is a walk in Ikea closet. The hours spent waiting for kids to come home, waiting for them to leave—and others spent celebrating with people in my life. Memories…light the corners of my mind…of the way we were. Don’t worry, I won’t burst into song but the words sure seem to fit.

How do we find ways to keep ourselves together through all of lifes joys and sorrows? A friend recently remarked that it is good she didn’t know how tough life would be, because she would not have had the courage to do it.

This is lent. A time of prayer, almsgiving and fasting. I feel like I am walking my own journey to the cross and yet I know that unless I move forward, I will remain stuck in the past—and I am so happy with my life now but…the journey is really tough sometimes and memories can be overwhelming, even the good memories.

So, no deep spiritual reflections on the readings for this past week but I see hope ahead. But first, there is the cross.  

May we all have the courage to work on our own house and find the courage to keep on discerning what we keep, what we toss and what we decide to just let be, for now.

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def. Bliss: -noun Supreme Happiness, Utter Joy/Contentment; the Joy of Paradise!